Christs & Crises
A farce in one act
CHARACTERS
LEO – male patient in his 40ies
JOSEPHINE– female patient in her late 20ies
DR. BLOOM – the doctor, middle aged man, he looks a little bit scruffy
A NURSE – Female, early 20ies, revealed cleavage, a buxom blonde, caked
in make up
ACT 1 SCENE I
The play is set in a psychiatric
ward. It gives a warm and welcoming feeling. The counselling room contains three
comfortable chairs and a little table with a box of tissues on top of it. The
audience can also see a picture frame turned with the back to them. On two walls
are packed bookshelves and on the third wall hangs a print of the painting THE
TWO FRIDAS by Frida Kahlo.
DR. BLOOM is sitting in his consultation room, looking tired, in front
of him a large glass of whiskey and a bottle. He is playing with a picture
frame and speaking on the phone.
DR. BLOOM: Trish,
darling, I know, I let you down. I don’t know why it happened, it just did. I
was overworked, bor – (Pause.) What do
you mean, you will take Oskar? You don’t even like Oskar, you despise him. (Pause.) You need a new leather handbag?
What has this to do with anything? Darling, listen, I understand that you are
angry and believe me you have - (Pause.) I
shouldn’t talk to you like you are one of my patients? Well, if you are going
to take that tone, it strikes me, we
would certainly be better off if you were (Pause.)
Trish, darling, no, I didn’t mean to…let me ex – (DR. BLOOM looks at the receiver in disbelief and bangs it back on the
hook.) Nuts, she is completely nuts. A new leather hand bag! (Grunts.) She needs to be on the couch,
that’s where this woman needs to be, preferably sedated! A little kiss, a little lipstick mark and she
thinks I am sleeping with the whole village. (Grunts again.)
DR. BLOOM knocks back his drink, and while he is doing so, someone
knocks on his door. He quickly pours
himself another measure, knocks it back as quickly as the first and hides the
glass and whiskey behind some books.
DR. BLOOM: Come
in!
Leo enters the room with a big cross. He carefully places the cross in
a corner and takes a seat. He looks to the floor.
DR. BLOOM: Hello
Leo, how are we today?
LEO: Fine, Dr. Bloom, thank you
.
DR. BLOOM: How is
your profession - I mean… vocation going?
LEO: I
have the feeling that I am stagnating, doctor. I tried to walk on water last
week and what should I say? I was lucky someone threw a life jacket. Some
people on the ward have started calling me names, Sir, blessed be the poor in
spirit. But I am telling you, Doctor, it ain’t easy to be Jesus, it takes a lot
of dedication.
DR. BLOOM starts writing on a notepad he holds on his lap.
DR. BLOOM: You
have been with us for a while now. Have you met Josephine yet? I thought we
should try something new, something that might help you. I would like to
introduce you to each other.
LEO: Only if she wants to become one
of my followers, otherwise-
DR. BLOOM: Excellent.
Actually she should have been here by now…
DR. BLOOM looks at his watch then looks at the picture and smiles
.
DR. BLOOM: She seems to be late, let me go and
get her quickly.
DR. BLOOM stands up and opens the door. JOSEPHINE stands in front of
the door. She enters and starts speaking.
JOSEPHINE: Thank
you.
DR. BLOOM: Oh Josephine,
you are already here. You didn’t just stand outside waiting for me, did you?
JOSPEHINE: (takes a seat) Of course not, I arrived
as soon as you opened the door.
DR. BLOOM: Well
for next time can I suggest just knocking?
JOSEPHINE: Next
time I will be the one to let you in Doctor.
Leo looks shyly to the floor again, DR. BLOOM looks irritated and goes
back to his chair.
DR. BLOOM: (smiling
through his teeth) Good, as we are all here now and as we haven’t met
before I would suggest we start with a short introduction. I’ll go first, to
break the ice. I’m Leonard Bloom, I have been working here as a psychologist
for six months now. My favourite ice cream is chocolate, I find snakes
fascinating and -
JOSEPHINE starts coughing. DR. BLOOM looks
at her with an even more irritated expression. LEO looks at JOSEPHINE.
DR. BLOOM: Anything you like to tell us, Josephine?
JOSEPHINE: Your wife will divorce you.
DR. BLOOM looks at JOSEPHINE with his mouth open.
LEO: What?
Really? I am sorry to hear that, doctor. Although as your lord and saviour, I do
hope you won’t get a divorce! Leo gets a
rosary out of his pocket and starts a quiet prayer.
JOSEPHINE: Indeed,
they will. He had an aff-
DR. BLOOM: Enough!
- Please, both of you, enough! We shouldn’t focus on my private life. Josephine, I have no idea where you heard this
one from, but it has nothing to do with our counselling session. Could we please continue without discussing my
private life? Thank you. Leo, maybe you can go next?
LEO: You shouldn’t say it doesn’t
matter Doctor Bloom. My father taught me: ‘Thou shalt not commit adultery.’
JOSEPHINE: Oh,
that’s what my dad always tells me! He would probably add: “May your fountain
be blessed, and may you rejoice in the wife of your youth. A loving
doe, a graceful deer-- may her breasts satisfy you always, may you ever be
captivated by her love. “ – How sad it is too late for you, Dr. Bloom.
LEO looks at JOSEPHINE for the first time. DR. BLOOM looks uneasy, tries to control himself which is visible to
the others and doesn’t say anything. He clings to the armrests.
LEO: That’s exactly what Daddy used
to say. He -
DR. BLOOM: Ok,
stop it you two. Stop it. Who is
speaking about adultery, Leo? Josephine, my wife and I are having some problems.
It happens. It shouldn’t bother you. (starts
tapping the notepad with his pen) . Please could we finish the round now? Leo?
LEO: Yes, doctor. Of course, doctor. Hmmm…What
about me? I am just Leo. (He reaches forward to get a tissue out of the
box and starts to scrunch it up.)
DR. BLOOM: And?
Anything you would like to add?
LEO: (his speech gets quieter with every word) I am Jesus Christ,
saviour of humanity and Son of our Lord, my father?
JOSEPHINE: NO
WAY! That can’t be!
LEO: I
am sorry, I didn’t mean to -
JOSEPHINE: Sir, no
offense, but that’s crazy. You can’t be Jesus.
DR. BLOOM: And
why are you saying this, Josephine?
JOSEPHINE: Because,
he is obviously deluded. He is certainly at the right place. A man claiming to
be Jesus? It’s not possible. He can’t be me. I am Jesus.
DR. BLOOM: You
are not saying he pretends to be you, are you?
JOSEPHINE: No. I
am saying, he’s a liar.
LEO: (clears his throat) Thou shalt not lie! I wouldn’t do it!
JOSEPHINE: If you
are saying this, you’d better start listening to yourself.
DR. BLOOM interrupts quickly.
DR. BLOOM: Okay,
let’s assume neither of you are lying. What might be happening here then? Can
anyone enlighten me?
LEO:
Excuse me, I can’t help it that I am Jesus. I didn’t ask to be.
JOSEPHINE: I
have news for you, David Icke. Forget it, you better start worshipping me.
LEO: Thank you, but I have my own
religious followers.
JOSEPHINE: Maybe
in the clinic. But, you better get your OWN life and wake up to the facts
here!
And stop harvesting in my zone of interest.
DR. BLOOM nervously slides on his chair.
DR. BLOOM: Please,
could we try not to offend each other? What
about being nice to each other?
JOSEPHINE: Doesn’t
the bible say let she who is with sin cast the first stone when it comes to any
sort of argument?
JOSEPHINE takes a tissue out of the box, crunches it and throws it at
LEO. LEO picks it up and throws it back.
DR. BLOOM: Ladies,
Gentlemen, we are not in a nursery. I would prefer we could continue without insulting
each other? Please, what would Jesus do?!
JOPSEPHINE nods but doesn’t say a thing. LEO is the first one that
starts speaking again.
LEO: Are you an atheist Dr. Bloom?
DR. BLOOM: What
does THAT have to do with anything Leo?
LEO: I was an atheist myself before I
lost my wife. And look at me now, I am the Nazarene! The anointed one! And so I
say, glad tidings doctor, there is hope for you yet! I am still looking for followers,
you know?
DR. BLOOM: I don’t
think there is any room in this session to discuss my private beliefs, Leo. Why
don’t you confess to us, what brought you here?
LEO: I loved Sharon. (Starts sobbing.) It was my fault entirely. I had decided to go
out drinking with the boys. Just for a couple of beers like we use to, every
Friday night. She asked me if I could pick her up. It was snowing that day. (Beat.) She had an accident on her way
back home. Lost control of the wheel… she died in hospital the same night. And then after all these years my real father
spoke to me. Suddenly his voice filled my head and he revealed….(He stands up and spreads his arms.)
JOSEPHINE: Pathetic.
DR. BLOOM: Josephine!
LEO: But why – How can you say that! (Drops his arms.)
JOSEPHINE: You
are a liar, Leo. Your wife didn’t die in a car crash. She left you because you
were an alcoholic and you cheated on her with your secretary.
LEO looks at JOSEPHINE and
takes a seat. He picks up another tissue
and starts to crunch it and shrugs his shoulders.
LEO: I was just out drinking with the
boys.
DR. BLOOM: (sighs) I know how these stories end. Going out with some colleagues at the
Christmas party, having some drinks and forgetting the tell-tale lipstick marks
when you get home…
He reaches out for the tissues and starts sobbing. LEO is irritated;
JOSEPHINE grabs another tissue which she offers DR. BLOOM. Someone knocks at
the door. A NURSE opens the door without waiting for the permission to enter.
DR. BLOOM stops sobbing and looks at the NURSE.
NURSE: Sorry
Dr. Bloom, excuse me. But we have an urgent phone call for you.
DR. BLOOM: Can’t
you see I am in a session, Nurse? I cannot just leave.
JOSEPHINE: If I
were you, doctor, I would go.
NURSE: The
call is from your wife, Oskar -
DR. BLOOM stands up and interrupts the
NURSE.
DR. BLOOM: Oskar?
Has something happened to Oskar? You should have said so straight away!
DR. BLOOM hastily leaves the room.
NURSE: Hey
Josephine, haven’t seen you in a while. How are you doing, love? We need to
meet for a coffee again. I wanted to say thanks. Your tip was worth its weight
in gold. Horse won the race by a mile. You don’t have any other advice for me,
do you? My friends and I are going to the races on Sunday.
JOSPEHINE: Bet
on Sparkle.
LEO: Sparkle. (Laughs.) What kind of a horse is that? A Shetland pony? If I were
you, I would bet on Horseradish.
NURSE: Oh
Leo, hi! I didn’t know you were into betting. How are you yourself? Still carrying your cross, I see. (She points at the cross in the corner.) And
how’s your vocation going?
LEO: As usual, having a hard time to
convince the non believers. (He looks at
JOSEPHINE.) But what I am more interested in is what’s going on with Dr.
Bloom?
JOSEPHINE: His
beloved python was killed by a vengeful wife.
The NURSE and LEO stare at
JOSEPHINE.
NURSE: Oskar
is a python? You’re sure? I thought him and Trish were having a kid! He always
talked with so much pride, so much affection, about Oskar and what a great
personality he has.
JOSEPHINE grabs the picture on the table and shows it to the NURSE and
LEO. The picture shows an albino python hanging from a topless DR. BLOOM’s
neck, Bloom is kissing the animal on the nose, they are embraced in a
compromising position. LEO and the NURSE look shocked.
LEO: Isn’t
that unhygienic?
NURSE: Oh no! And to think I kissed that mouth!
Quick, I need some hot water and some disinfectant! Oh God, I feel sick.
The NURSE hurries out of the room.
JOSEPHINE: And I
will bring the blind by a way that they knew not; I will lead them in
paths that they have not known: I will make darkness light before them,
and crooked things straight. These things will I do unto them, and not forsake
them.
LEO: Could
you stop this, please?
JOSEPHINE: What?
LEO: You
know what. I am sick of you pretending to be some mysterious Super-Christ.
JOSEPHINE: How
dare you!
LEO: I
wonder what brought you here? Last time I saw you, you were swearing like a
drunken sailor. It must have been on a race.
You are the girl that was involved in the betting scandal, aren’t you? I
saw your picture in the paper. Very clever that trick with soapy flakes and
rubbing them into the legs of the horses. I fell for it and thought the horses
were not fit enough to win.
JOSEPHINE: I
don’t know what you are talking about.
LEO: Repent!
Because of you I lost a fortune.
JOSEPHINE: What
should I say? (JOSEPHINE shrugs.) Give
us this day our daily bread, and forgive us our debts, as we also have forgiven
our debtors. And lead us into temptation and deliver us some fortune. Amen.
LEO: Amen.
I take it you are just here to avoid prison then, eh?
JOSEPHINE: I
take it you couldn’t face your shame,
eh?
DR. BLOOM runs into the room. He
runs straight to the bookshelves, he hastily gets the whiskey out and the
glass, pours himself a drink and knocks it back. JOSEPHINE and LEO are looking
at him.
DR. BLOOM: Murder!
Infamous murder, Satan’s brute killed an innocent creature. Satan is released
from its prison. Doomsday is near, the battle is on. For the revenge of Oskar! He pours himself another drink, salutes and
knocks it back.
LEO: Doctor,
are you alright?
DR. BLOOM ignores him and picks up LEO’s cross.
LEO: Excuse
me, but some people consider this to be stealing, Dr. Bloom!
DR. BLOOM: I
command you, stop calling me doctor. I am no longer the doctor of which you
speak. (spotlight onto Dr. Bloom) I
am – I am - I AM THE GOOD LORD. And I
tell you, today, on the Day of Judgment, my wife will have to atone for her
sins! Sinners belong on a cross!
DR. BLOOM grabs the cross and
runs out of the room. Full light back on again. JOSEPHINE starts to pour
herself a drink. Before she drinks it, she starts talking.
JOSEPHINE: A
drink for a drink and insanity for insanity.
Depeche Mode’s ‘Personal Jesus’ starts playing. She drinks the whiskey,
hands the glass to LEO who pours himself a drink as well.
Blackout.
